I Got "Served"!

This is great... so I decided I wanted to consider looking for a few new bands to manage. So I thought I'd look outside of OC/LA, and post a craigslist ad in Portland. I immediately get back a response to my ad from a lovely band called Fused. I could not help but laugh my ass off... here is the back and forth conversation:

Original Craigslist Ad:

Los Angeles based Artist Management & Development Company looking for new bands to work with. Styles we are looking for are...

Indie Rock

Alt Rock

Pop Rock

Dance Rock

We are NOT looking for Rap, Country, Metal, or Punk, so please dont bother.

We are also only looking to work with bands that are established, touring, professional acting/looking, and have their "act" together. We are not looking for jr higher garage bands with no equipment and 70 friends on their myspace. If you are even questioning whether you qualify, then you probably dont! Please send us a Bio, Myspace link, Photo, etc. to be considered. If we are interested, we will contact you.

Thank you

Response:

From: J. Hamilton - Fused
"So i quess Alter Bridge, Disturbed or Metallica wouldn't interest you? Nobody is interested in blood sucking hangers on like yourself. There is a new thing out called the internet. Your a dinosaur, go get a job, Putz."

My Reply to Mr. Hamilton:

hahahahah...what? are you possibly retarded? did you read the ad i posted? or maybe your in some shitdouche band that sounds like alter bridge...right?

let me guess.. you are in some homoerotic cheesy metal band with "sweet leads" and long hair... right? you probably all have backwards baseball hats, gotees, and fat girlfriends....

dont worry... a blood sucker like myself would definitely have no interest in a doucherock band like yours... theres this thing called radio... i tend to like to work with bands that actually might be on it one day... not lops that still think creed, mullets, and transams are cool...

btw... far from a dinosaur... if you even had a clue who your talking to you would probably reconsider your email...

id say for you to get a job... but you probably already have one at the local walmart... so good luck..and have fun with that!

Mr. Hamilton's Reply:

Struck a nerve huh? Quess what asshole, we are on the radio and we didn't get there by using a management company that lives off of others talent. You have everything ass backwards. A really good band doesn't need you or a record label. You need them! You are a dinosuar and thats why you responded so violently. If you really want to snag some unsuspecting sucker band you might start by not talking down to them. We have dealt with your kind before and your business is no better than being a pimp. You screw everything and everybody you can and then move on. Good luck polesmoker.

Haha... Don't you just love retarded metalheads who still think they are viable to this world! Notice he didn't even bother to try and defend his more then likely fat girlfriend! Here is a link to his bands myspace site...

www.myspace.com/wwwmyspacecommadcracker

Take a look/listen and tell me how dead accurate I was with my discription of his band! (keep in mind, I did not look his myspace up until AFTER I responded to him!)

Good times!

Here is a pic of the hot ass that awaits these guys backstage after the show! Man... I am so jealous!

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da...

Here's a random one... but are retarded people legally allowed to purchase alcohol? I mean, on one hand, if they are over 21, then they should be legal to drink, right? On the other hand, the thought of a retarded guy taking down beers at a bar seems kind of dangerous... hmmm... I don't know what to think about this one. I mean... retarded people are considered people, right? So we would give them the same rights as any one of us, right? But shouldn't we limit some rights to fully functioning people? But as we all know, there are people who are not technically "retarded", but definitely sure act like they are once beer is introduced! I mean, just think about the Girls Gone Wild videos... need I say more! If normal people can act that retarded from alcohol... just think how crazy it would be to have a retarded person drunk... that would be insanity! Wow.. I think I just came up with a genius idea... forget Girls Gone Wild... its:

Tards Gone Wild!

Biker Babe of the Week!

Move Over Wolverine... its Beast!

This just in... Rosie O'Donnell to play Beast in X-Men 4. After hours and hours of hiding out on the set, I was able to snap this photo of Rosie in costume... on her way to the catering truck.

Don't stand in her way... you might be lunch!

I <3 Sirloin!

I have a new love... and it's the Jack In The Box Sirloin Burger! If you have not yet experienced all of its glory yet for yourself... turn off your computer, stand up, get in your car, drive to Jack in the Box and order yourself a #2....

I'm serious... go now! Make sure to thank me after...

Those Boots Were Made for Walking... So Put Them On!

So here's a random one, but what's the deal with people and sandals? I mean... who wants to look at some one's gross feet or dirty toes?! Why is it always the biggest, fattest chick that has to always roll out in the flip flops? Or even worse... the black platform sandals! Those things are straight imports from the 909! I personally think toes and feet are probably one of the most ugly things on this earth... right next to Pugs... (which ironically, would probably wear those platform sandals if they were humans!).

I also love the chicks with the feet that look like they grew up in Somalia, digging for blood diamonds! They are all dried out and cracked... feet that look like a 1930's catcher's mitt... so gross! Why do they think that's ok? Do they think people want to have to see that? It's like, the other day I went to the bank, and was standing in line. This lady in front of me was dressed semi-nice... she looked showered at least... and even was wearing make-up. As my eyes moved down towards the ground, I saw them... these 2 old feet that looked like a 1970's leather couch at the Goodwill. I immediately looked back up at the lady... dressed nice... looked back down... Guatemalan forest feet! I don't get it... have you heard of lotion? How about Happy Nails? So gross... but at least those Vietnamese ladies that work at those nail places always have decent clean feet... can't say the same about their breath though!

And what about those chicks who try and roll the Jesus sandals? What the heck is that all about? Did they just netflix Pocahontas, and after watching it just had to go out and buy a pair of rope sandals? Those sandals just scream dirty feet!

To all of you gross chicks rolling any form of sandals.... nobody wants to see your fat dirty feet!

This Ain't No Petting Zoo!

Well... without getting to graphic or tasteless... I needed to address the issue of the Camel Toe. What the hell??? I mean seriously... what the hell? Do you not own a mirror? Do you not feel your shirts or pants being eatin' in the front? Do you not notice EVERYONE staring at you as you walk down the street?! So without getting to graphic, I have attached a few lovely examples of what I am ranting about... enjoy! I call it... To Toe or Not To Toe...